Slipping Fast

I got the results of my last MRI yesterday.

No wonder I haven't been able to type for the last month. I have three huge new lesions on the right side of my cerebellum, meaning the whole left side of my body is starting to malfunction.

It's so hard to keep pace with the world. But I'm trying. Trust me, I'm trying harder than I ever have.

Apocalypse When?

One of the most deeply disturbing movies I've ever seen is Apocalypse Now Redux.

If you've seen the original Apocalypse Now, released in 1979, you know most of the story already. But I assure you: Apocalypse Now Redux, released in 2001, is a whole different experience.

I can understand why any studio would be reluctant to release a 3-1/2 hour movie when an equally compelling 2-1/2 hour version is possible: you lose out on hundreds of screenings nationwide every day with the longer version, and risk turning away a large percentage of movie-goers who have no interest in sitting in a theater for almost four hours.

That adds up to millions of ticket sales lost on the release of a potential blockbuster like Apocalypse Now. And that's a hell of a lot of money.

So the real question is, why should anybody bother seeing the longer version?

The answer is: the reality of war is something worth pondering for longer than 2-1/2 hours.

The Fast-Food wars of the 1980s and 90s, including Operation Desert Storm, were mere distractions. Real wars, like Vietnam, last years.

Apocalypse Now took four years to film. As director Francis Ford Coppola himself noted: Apocalypse Now isn't about Vietnam. It is Vietnam.

Apocalypse Now Redux is perhaps purposely too long. So long in fact that it defies synopsis. But like a real war, you can't stop watching it--even the parts you hate--until it's all over.

Like real war, it's disturbing. And war should be disturbing.

The Big Blank Spot in My Mind

Someone, somewhere out there noticed I was gone. At least that's what you tell yourself when the illness has finally gotten the best of you.

But even geniuses need a little vacation now and then. Especially geniuses with ADEM.

If you've bothered to read anything about ADEM, you know now that it's a disease that attacks the white matter of the brain indiscriminately (like its chronic cousin Multiple Sclerosis).

One day it may affect your vision. One day it may affect your coordination. And though the quality of your thinking is largely unaffected, the clarity can be severly affected.

Some days, it's like there's a big blank spot in your mind that you just can't reach. Those are the worst days: when your very raison d'etre is sitting there just beyond your grasp.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can't.

It's not like I've learned to live with this from childhood. I was an adult for nearly 20 years before this happened.

And there's not a thing in the world I could have done to prevent it.

Only God can heal me now.