Caller IQ

The moment I was officially diagnosed with M.S., my phone number was instantly co-opted by various organizations seeking a liberal chunk of my as-yet-non-existent monthly Disability checks.

Unidentified thugs call me day and night now, demanding payment for bills I became unable to pay when I lost my job. And of course, they all threaten to sue me if I don't pay up NOW.

Because of their cleverly anonymous PBX box, I can never tell when I should pick up the phone, or just let it ring. After all, lots of my friends call from untraceable locations.

I was agonizing over the endless ringing of the phone, until I discovered a function on my Panasonic phone I had never seen before: Caller IQ.

It's not what Caller IQ does that's so cool(it's an essentially useless function), but the suggestion that you could actually check the caller's IQ before picking up the phone is a golden idea.

That would be a useful function. But the technology isn't quite there yet.
So, in the meantime I've just adopted my own protocol.

My calls are screened as follows.

IQ 70
Situation Caller calls me by sirname or asks about my relationship to so-and-so
Response Hold on just a moment. I think so-and-so's under the porch looking for a box of shells.

IQ 65
Situation Caller refuses to identify himself
Response (aloud) Hey Bruiser! This guy wants to know if he can mount your Mastif.

IQ 55
Situation Caller identifies himself as a lawyer
Response Bite me.

You may now use Caller IQ as necessary to ward off those pesky solicitors.